13th August 2015
FFS – ‘Call Girl’
Ah, just when I thought FFS was the moniker of some cheeky ne’er do well looking to inspire edginess by making reference to explicit text shorthand, (I think it stands for Foraging For Spunk or summat) I forgot all about Franz Ferdinand’s collaboration with American pop-rockers Sparks. The second single to be taken from their eponymous debut album, ‘Call Girl’ refreshingly isn’t about scouring the streets for scarlet ladies but is actually a plea for a certain lady to put in a tad more effort (i.e “why don’t you call, girl?”- geddit?).
Utilising fuzzy bass, 80s synths and blipping keyboards this tune delivers an encouraging sign that all is blossoming well within the unlikely supergroup. In fact, it’s a project that is going so well that, during an enjoyable set at Glastonbury this year, Ron Mael was actually seen smiling – an event that very nearly caused both a disruption of the space time continuum and a dangerous ruination of planetary alignment.
Tough Love –‘Pony (Jump On It)’ featuring Ginuwine
An expensive car, two attractive females in hotpants, a large platinum crucifix dangling down from a strutting singer’s neck (nothing says “What would Jesus do?” more than that) – the R&B staples are firmly in place in the very opening moments of this video for Tough Love’s dance remix of Ginuwine’s 1996 single ‘Pony (Jump on It)’.
As horny now as he was back in the swinging nineties, the D.C singer returns to assert his desire for the ladies to “Ride it; my pony/My saddle’s waiting/Come and jump on it”; just when you’re defiantly clinging to the innocent idea that he is merely expressing a keen penchant for dressage, he only goes and mentions “Juices flowing down your thigh”. Oh dear – he ain’t talking about Um Bongo is he?
Oh well, at least Tough Love’s contribution makes it better than the rather dull “man-repeatedly-belching-while-playing-the-Amstrad-version-of-Frogger” backing of the original.
Jedward – ‘Leave a Mark’
Fuck me. Even when popular music’s most eminent artists attempt to make a consciously profound and all too earnest statement about the human condition, it’s pretty darn grating; but when it’s two matching numbskulls scraped from the bottom of a TV talent show barrel, it’s quite frankly an embarrassment. The early signs are extremely bad as the video begins with footage of cultural icons Martin Luther King Jr and John F Kennedy before naturally giving way to the smouldering, pensive looks of two fledgling twerps who look like the unfortunate aftermath of Paul from Tekken copulating with a pineapple.
“I salute those who gave it their all” they sing over footage celebrating the heights of human endeavour and our greatest ever individual achievers; Ghandi, John Lennon, Neil Armstrong and Nelson Mandela can finally rest contentedly in the afterlife now that they have been given the generous approval of a couple of chumps via a dodgy slice of vapid electronic pop.
Scott Hammond
