29th October 2015
Delta Goodrem – ‘Wings’
Television show Neighbours was always a decent source of attractive female types for any gauche loser struggling to form relationships in his own life. Holly Vallance, Natalie Imbruglia, Kylie Minogue, Caitlin Stasey, Madge Bishop – the Aussie soap is the rightful home of the unemployed man’s antipodean crumpet. Hence the annoyingly picturesque Delta Goodrem who has followed the illustrious, and never embarrassing path, from Ramsey Street to the pop charts.
In all fairness, Goodrem has been in and out of the commercial music scene for more than a decade now and ‘Wings’ is the lead single from her upcoming fifth studio album. However, the words “these wings were made to fly” suggest that she is yet to fully grasp the art of lyrical nuance. Are not wings by their very nature designed to fly? It’s a bit like saying “these eyes are receptacles for vision” or “this urethra ain’t half bad for passing fluids from my body”.
The Vamps – ‘Wake Up’
Beginning a song with “you’ve been deep in a coma, but I’m stood right here” is a bit bloody dramatic in any circumstances but when it’s sung with an emotional relish that makes it sound like the singer merely views a loved one’s decline into veggiedom as the perfect platform to flex his sensitivity pecs, it’s unforgivable. Even worse is the flag-waving, get-yer-lighters out bombast of the chorus which, considering the thematic context, seems a little off colour. Whatever next? A fist pumping humdinger of a chorus to lament third world hunger? A face-melting guitar solo to express how bloomin’ serious they are about FGM?
As for the video, what’s with all the flare guns shooting coloured ticks into the sky? It’s like one big product placement campaign arranged by Sure For Men who were presumably only slightly outbid by Hewlett Packard and Instax Cameras (other deodorants, laptops and cameras are available).
Chris Brown – ‘Zero’
The second single to be taken from upcoming studio album Royalty, which features a heavily tattooed Brown hugging a baby on its cover – like an R&B politician or that geezer from Prison Break starring in an Athena poster. The video begins with Brown’s peeved former lover launching a bunch of his clothes off her balcony while she shouts at him in Spanish and he grumbles away in English – an insight into communication problems that had their relationship doomed from the get go.
Donning a questionable item of noggin gear that looks like a cross between a beret and a fez, Brown busts out dance moves akin to Jay Kay from Jamiroqaui if only he had Go-Go-Gadget legs, and seems willing to go to any lengths necessary to convince his erstwhile lover that he’s absolutely apathetic about it all. ”Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero/That’s how many fucks I give, oh”. Yeah, whatever mate – why not just express your indifference by arranging for two dozen aircraft to skywrite a sarcastic sonnet about how obviously not bovvered you are in 20 foot high letters across the sky?