12th November 2015
Everything Everything – ‘No Reptiles’
With ‘No Reptiles’, taken from 2015 album Get to Heaven, Everything Everything continue to progress their reputation for creating the kind of art rock that pushes against the bland conventions of indie music. Often pigeon-holed alongside or as an alternative to Alt-J (so an Alt-Alt-J), even Everything Everything’s name is a PR’s nightmare, taking between fifteen and twenty-three seconds to pronounce.
‘No Reptiles’ particularly emphasises Jonathan Higgs’ voice (the aural equivalent of Marmite, and not for it’s yeasty aftertaste), which goes beyond standard vocals and is used as an instrument in its own right, much like that of Thom Yorke. This is more than can be said for his haircut, which lies somewhere between Adolf Hitler and My Chemical Romance’s Gerard Way. Regardless, ‘No Reptiles’ is a fine single accompanied by an entertaining video in which the band members get spunked with more tomato ketchup than a Quentin Tarantino wet dream.
Stooshe – ‘Lock Down’
Oh gawd, what a mess these three London lags have got themselves into! Girl power is all very well, but committing transatlantic war crimes is a definite no-no when it comes to establishing a music career. Well, Alexandra, Karis and Courtney have done just that and found themselves arrested by some unconvincingly hunky US policemen and thrown in the locky box (prison). ‘I ain’t taking shit any more!’ shouts Courtney. Hey, you can forget about an early release if you keep using language like that missy!
Actually, if this video is anything to go by then doing time in a Federal Institute is a piece of piss. The women just seem to wander around with fancy headphones on taking part in dance routines and throwing impromptu parties. Director Damien Sandoval has done well to edit out the part where Courtney is shanked in the shower, leading to a brutal initiation into the Aryan Sisterhood and a prolonged and bloody gang war which makes tactical use of sexual violence in order to control the supply of cocaine into the prison.
Charlie Puth – ‘One Call Away’
There are a few lads who could learn some lessons from our man Charlie. The New Jersey tiddlywink has become quite smitten with a girl, you see, but her ambivalence towards him is no impediment to his crooning over her. When she catches him hammering away at the piano like a tone-deaf Little Richard, her reaction is to put her headphones on and walk away. Then, when she notices him in class her reaction is to smirk and then cop off with her Herculean boyfriend.
Many men would take these hints and leave well alone, but not Charlie. Instead, he stalks her social media feeds, takes long-range photos of her and prowls the library with the hope of catching a sneaky peak down her top while she’s perusing self-defence manuals. What the hell Charlie! Not cool son! Posing as a teenager when you are in fact almost 24? Also not cool! My advice is to embrace singledom with relish, and if you really can’t cope with being alone, buy yourself an animatronic minge for Christmas.
Conal Dougan
