New Singles of the Week

22nd October 2015

LunchMoney Lewis – ‘Whip It!’

As if being a cynical wanker while reviewing stupid music videos wasn’t hard enough, LunchMoney Lewis has completely wrong-footed me by producing one of the most relentlessly sunny, joyful vids of all time. Young attractive women in bras with beaming smiles rollerskating and blowing bubblegum on a sunny beach while someone implores them to ‘Whip It!’. Come on, LunchMoney, give me something to work with!

This is the most upbeat audio-visual experience since that episode of Dora the Explorer where she got away with zapping through a fillet steak as a bunch of bananas at the self-service checkout of her local Tesco. LunchMoney Lewis has certainly improved on his previous incarnation as HallMonitor Hal, whose videos tended to pretty sombre affairs featuring bleak Serbian agricultural landscapes and images of hungry people queueing for stamps.

Jason Derulo – ‘Cheyenne’

Well, our man Jason’s got himself into a right pickle here hasn’t he. Heartbreak is a terrible thing, even if it is at the hands of a woman with cornrows, and one can only imagine what it is like trying to overcome said sorrow while living in an expansive mansion littered with pictures of your ex. Surely a man with an estimated worth of $8.5 million could afford to pay someone to pick them up.

However, instead of just tidying the muck up, Jason decided to quaff a potent mixture of acid, cocaine and antifreeze. This has spectacular effects when the coke kicks in, as Jason ponces around in a purple fedora singing at an octave too high over some Kavinsky-lite synths. The downer is an absolute killer though, as the acid and antifreeze combine to leave J-dawg with visions of zombies crawling over his skin while he jitters on silk bedsheets, which, let’s face it, must be an absolute bitch to get dry-cleaned.

Other phantom visions include being strapped horizontally to a chair on a wall, dusty dolls coming to life to dance, and the idea that Derulo can pull off diamond earrings.

One Direction – ‘Perfect’

Some may be finding it hard to get over the fact that One Erection will simply never be the same without Zane – I mean, imagine U2 without Adam Clayton, or So Solid Crew without Megaman. Unthinkable, isn’t it. However, if you can get past that stumbling block then one listen to ‘Perfect’ reveals it to be a groundbreaking record in the group’s discography. It finally reveals what many have suggested all along – that Liam and the lads are indeed at least 60% gay.

“When I first saw you; From across the room; I could tell that you were curious” croons one of the lads. “I might never be the one you take home to mother” suggests another, before offering a “late night rendezvous” to cause “trouble in a hotel room”. This coming out will come as a flood of relief to many, much like the relief many gay men feel every time John Travolta denies the rumours about his fondness for the male touch. Other than that, this is an entirely unmemorable single from the group.

Conal Dougan