10th December 2015
Peaches – ‘Rub’
First up this week is this understated beauty from Peaches, AKA Canada’s Merrill Beth Nisker. The history of popular music lyricism is littered with sly nods and double entendres, from Bo Carter’s ‘Please Warm My Weiner‘ to Wynonie Harris’ ‘Keep On Churnin’ (Till the Butter Comes)‘, and Peaches continues this fine tradition with the subtle sexuality of ‘Rub’. Thus she entreaties us to “Tell on my pussy; Whistle blow my clit” – oo err, I don’t reckon she’s talking about her cat!
All sarcasm aside, this is one of the filthiest music videos ever made, and includes a singer whipping a microphone out of her cotton pocket, an orgy of ample lasses which resembles something out of Jabba’s palace and a bequiffed dame going down on a muff like it was a badly packed kebab. This video makes the X-rated ‘Girls on Film’ by Duran Duran look like a Cliff Richard tea party and features more cock sockets than a teenage boy’s browsing history. Overall though it’s incredible how such a high level of sexualised nudity can create such a thuddingly un-sexy film. Give me Susan Boyle singing the national anthem any day – phwoar.
Fassine – ‘Kelby’
‘Kelby’ is the new single from London three-piece Fassine, a pleasingly melancholic and sepulchral follow-up to their recent debut ‘Sunshine‘. Their sound is billed as claustrophobic, with the latest track featuring the faltering breaths of an asthmatic in a steam room as well as dampened percussion, the resulting shadowy quality something akin to Warpaint or the early work of Feist. The single is taken from their upcoming album Dialecktik, to be released in the new year.
The video for the single – The Chase – takes on a similarly lugubrious tone. We see transgender model Edie Charles huffing on a fag and looking like she’s about to collapse from kidney failure being stalked by her twin sister – identical in every way and kicking up a brouhaha over a missing disc from her DVD box set of Big Break. With Jim Davidson’s reputation in the gutter, those things are almost impossible to replace, so she gives her doppelgänger a right good kicking in while growling “it’s only a game so put up a real good fight – I’m gonna be snookering you tonight.”
Paul Heaton & Jacqui Abbott – ‘I Don’t See Them’
Here’s a charmingly straightforward ditty from former Beautiful South vocalists Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbott. ‘I Don’t See Them’ is an ode to elder love and the art of staying amorous as the years tick by. Abbott claims that “the wrinkles on your face – I don’t see them; when your hairs fall out of place – I don’t see them.” This might not come as such a shock to those who frequent her beauty parlour, who often leave infuriated by our Jackie giving them shit hair extensions and a substandard botox treatment, which leaves them looking like the wrong end of a Neapolitan Mastiff.
Paul Heaton, meanwhile, distressed by the incessant tinnitus brought on by years of moonlighting as a steelworker, has had to take up work on a trawler. “The compliments that pass – I don’t hear them; the hiss of snakes in grass – I don’t hear them.” Luckily for him, life on board a fishing vessel is bereft of both of these aural treats. Grass snakes tend to stay away from large bodies of salt water, and fishermen are notoriously bad at complimenting their fellow shipmates on their fresh bouffants.
Conal Dougan