12th May 2016
David Guetta – ‘This One’s For You’
Like a toaster in a bathtub or Kev Livingstone at a Bar Mitzvah, music and football are surely two things that expound the Kipling idiom “never the twain shall meet”; after a long history of the beautiful game being responsible for some not so beautiful crimes against music – including the 1994 Man United squad’s number one smash ‘Come On You Reds’, the embarrassing ‘Anfield Rap’ and Glen (Hoddle) and Chris’ (Waddle) genuinely unsettling ‘Diamond Lights’ – the French DJ and producer proudly continues tradition with ‘This One’s For You’, the official song of UEFA Euro 2016.
The song is pretty uninteresting and oddly sounds like something one would hear while chowing down in an Indian restaurant, only with the inclusion of a euro pop beat. It’s also lacking a rousing ‘Three Lions’ style chorus or a blistering Johnny Barnes rap. Though one listen should be plenty for the average masochist, footy fans best prepare to hear a hell of a lot more of this one – it will be included in the opening and closing sequences for every match broadcast during this year’s tournament and will also be performed by Guetta at both the opening and closing ceremonies. A song set to induce Vietnam style flashbacks to the ignominious year when England got trounced by the Welsh in Group B.
Nathan Sykes – ‘Give It Up’ Ft. G-Eazy
It’s all too easy to dislike this one straight away and I put it down to Nathan Sykes’ face. Not only does Skyes – former member of mercifully snuffed out boy band The Wanted – look like an unfortunate cross between Malcolm In the Middle’s Frankie Muniz and a cartoon weasel but his sultry-but-sensitive looks to camera convey the smouldering narcissism of a teenager posing in a world of perpetual selfies.
It could also be the music of course; a pop non-entity whereby its entire theme boils down to the fact that Sykes, with a little help from G-Eazy (the poor Caucasian man’s Eazy-E), would quite like to give his missus a damn good shafting. Seriously, replace every lyric in the song with “I want to fuck you” and absolutely zero of the sentiment would be lost – plus you’d end up with some mad, Tourettic avant-garde poetry that would be both very amusing and far superior in artistic merit.
Elsewhere, G-Eazy does the worst mid-song rap since Bubbler Ranx in Peter Andre’s ‘Mysterious Girl’ and following a sacrilegious reference to ‘A Hard Days’ Night’ he describes leaving his hotel as like “Beatles Mania”. Yes, not like Beatlemania but “Beatles Mania”. What a silly sod.
Future – ‘Low Life’ Ft. The Weeknd
Here is a fine example of the oh-so-dull result that emerges when the overly libidinous and financially boastful turn their clammy, bejewelled hands to the creation of music. The lyrics of American rapper Future’s new single cover everything from misogynistic braggadocio, (“And I’m fucking anybody with they legs wide”) to tedious material bluster (“my room service bill cost your whole life”) to claims of generally being a bit of a hardass, gangsta mofo (“I free up all my niggas locked up in the penitentiary”).
Future (real name Nayvadius Wilburn) and The Weeknd (real name Abel Tesfaye) have apparently been planning to collaborate for some time after bonding over the similar origins of their respective performing names; they created their monikers in an attempt to bolster their shipwreck personalities in social situations – Tesfaye now makes a killer entrance to all parties by bellowing “The Weekend’s arrived/here!” while Wilburn, when introducing himself to new people, says “Hey, I’m the future” and proceeds to laugh awkwardly. The tactic hasn’t worked and invitations to social gatherings have rapidly dried up as a result.
Also, what about The Weeknd’s hair do? It looks like he has a bloated arachnid living on top of his head attempting to fashion itself into an Elvis quiff. Either that or it’s some kind of elaborate homage to Cerberus the multi-headed dog.