So the time is finally here: it’s Glastonbury! This can be a terrifying time, with scare stories of bog monsters, spiked drugs and sets by Mumford and Sons aplenty.
But fear not: The Fix is here! This is our guide on how to survive the best music festival out there. And for all of you who aren’t going to Glasto, we have one thing to say: “who are you???”
Glasto Survival Kit
- Star Sunglasses. For effortless cool, it starts and finishes with Elton John. Guaranteed to win you a few friends in the crowd, but be careful you don’t come across as too aloof and distant.
- Short haircut. Nothing says ‘I’m ready for a ‘neat’ weekend’ more than a nice trimmed haircut. All the coolest musicians sport them, from Chris Rea to Ringo Starr.
- Madchester Ravers Hat. This is strictly optional, and only to be worn if you can stay up longer than 11pm.
- Cigarette or ‘fag’. Nothing gets you high like a good ol’ dose of nicotine. Just be aware – festival goers can be a pretty conservative bunch, so don’t go around asking for ‘fags’ unless you’re sure that the crowd you’re with is pretty ‘hip’.
- Rucksack. Containing bare essentials, including bronzer, sandwiches, string, loafers for ‘down time’ and ear plugs for ‘drum n bass time’.
- Bare torso. Just to keep the ladies interested. A festival tent can be one of the best places to have sex, as there are low expectations all round.
- ‘Thumbs up’. It’s important to let everyone around you know you’re having a good time, and few things do this better than putting your thumbs up on a consistent basis.
- Mug. This is a much better option than a cup, as it has handles. Be aware that this does not contain tea…but something a bit stronger!!!!
- KISS Belt. KISS are one of the coolest bands around, and are known for pulling a lot of women. If you wear a KISS belt, women might thing you’re in the band. Another benefit is that it keeps your trousers up.
- Shorts (deep pockets). Deep pockets are a good idea if you want to carry around fun things for the festival, like drugs, weapons, badges.
- Catheter. Avoid the disappointment of missing your favourite bands due to needing a widdle. Simply insert a Conal Catheter up your ol’ Johnson and you’re golden (available from www.conalscatheters.com).
- Flip Flops. Also known as ‘Flippers’ or ‘Thongs’. You can have a lot of fun with these by asking women if they wear ‘thongs’. If they get offended you can laugh it off by suggesting they look like they have ‘flippers’. This can be an awful lot of fun.
- Occulus Rift Virtual Reality Headset. This is so you can watch BBC coverage when you are still in the Greenfields.
- Michael Jackson white gloves. This is both health conscious and stylish on the dancefloor.
- Toilet wheelchair, for mobile defecation when you want to take the weight off.
- Day glow wheels, which play Da Funk on rotation – powered by movement and environmentally-friendly dance.